Changing your lifestyle to combat global warming is a fashionable thing to do these days. I know because I heard it on E! News.
Being environmentally conscious is so trendy even America Online is featuring tips on how to save the planet. It doesn't get much hipper than that.
The recent Live Earth concert was an effort to raise awareness about global warming and what you can do about it. The event also attracted criticism that some of the performers and audience members weren't doing enough to reduce their own carbon footprints.
If you've always wanted to gain eco-credibility with the really radical groups and Hollywood stars, you can't take halfway measures to save the planet. Switching to CFL bulbs is fine for weekend activists, but here are five hard-core tips for the those who want to walk the serious climate change walk:
1. Hybrid, That's All I Ever Heard
One of the most common suggestions made by concerned climate change advocates is to drive a hybrid car. By hopping in your Prius you can save money and save the planet, so driving a hybrid lets you kill two humans with one stone (because killing two birds would be ecologically wrong).
But why drive a hybrid car when you could use a Vietnamese orphan-powered rickshaw? Talk about status! Not only will you be just as trendy as Angelina and Brad by adopting someone from a third-world country, you'll also be helping to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
2. Expect More, Pay Less
Don't be fooled by big corporations and department stores that are posturing for your green dollar. Everyone knows real organic clothes are ones that have already started to decay. And you can only get those from one source -- homeless people.
Use cloves and lemon juice to help disinfect the clothes you buy from that mentally ill woman on the corner who thinks you're a Klingon. And don't forget that Victoria's Secret items are also recyclable as well as being a real test of your commitment to halt global warming.
3. Mow Better Blues
Global warming advocates hate lawn mowers. However, there is a green and reasonable solution to maintaining your lawn -- goats. Companies like Goats-R-Us charge around $700 an acre for their service.
While that may sound expensive (raised social consciousness never comes cheap), that cost includes transportation and nutritional supplements as well as health care and insurance for the goats. Imagine how good you'll feel knowing that you're helping the environment. On the other hand, you'll may feel worse knowing the goats have a better benefits program than you do.
4. You're Now Free to Move (Slowly) About the Country
Eco-tourism is the latest fad in the travel industry. But wait, you weren't really thinking about driving your hybrid car down to Costa Rica, were you?
The only natural way to head down to Central America on your summer vacation is to walk. Assuming you walk at a reasonable pace, don't dawdle at rest stops and bring plenty of amphetamines, you should be able to make the trip in 70-80 days if you only sleep every third day. Not close enough to nature? Try making the trip naked.
5. I Can't Believe I Ate the Holistic Thing
Reduce your carbon footprint, eat bland. Organic supermarkets specialize in over-priced, tasteless food. That's a small price to pay for doing good things for Mother Earth and striking a blow against big evil corporations.
Did we forget to mention that 95% all organic fruits and vegetables come from three massive eco-cartel farms in California? As it turns out, BS is a natural fertilizer, too.
Try one or all five of these hardcore global warming tips. No one will ever accuse you of environmental hypocrisy. They'll be too busy trying to get you institutionalized.